This blog is probably one of the most unexpected things to really put here, but I think I really do need to let this out. This has been really one of the things I've been wanting to let out too, but most of the time, thoughts come when I'm extremely close to going to sleep.
It's also... very disorganized too, so please bear with me for that. Also... These feelings may or may not be controversial, so I apologize if anything... troubles you.
It may or may not be expanded upon when I feel like it, as it's more of a ramble than anything. Thoughts come and go, life is hard to control, but things do come and go eventually.
Life is something to hard to explain itself. People can comprehend it with words, feelings, actions, other things, but it's just so difficult to know what it truly means, if it even does have a meaning.
It just feels like one moment you're happy go lucky, running around like there's no tomorrow. You feel bliss, and everything just feels... good, in an emotional sense. It feels like you can see yourself dancing Love and Joy, see things more brimming with life, and most importantly, smile.
Sometimes it just feels like you wish it can last forever. It's hard to comprehend, but even if you don't think too deep about it, happiness is something that just feels good to have.
..That's... Not exactly how life goes though.
The other hand opens, showing pain. At least, when I was young, I often cried until I was around 12 years of age. But it was often over petty things, like not getting we're not being able to afford, being wrong, and sometimes even over absolutely nothing.
Things change when you're older though, time will never stop and growing up, it's hard to accept, but in order to move forward, there has to be harmony. There will be many things to knock you down, like the possible deaths of your loved ones and even just the thought of fear of it. Life will not hold back, and while it may not be the same for everyone, it can be real nasty at times.
And not every mindset will be the same. Sometimes it even feels like your mind can play tricks on you. Only now that I realized that it hurts to think of things before going to sleep, only to lose the thought once you wake up.
It really does hurt to forget, to have a lack of focus and overall a general lack of balance. Other teenagers I know are slowly building their lives together. Sure, they drink, they smoke, they have intercourse with people they won't have long-term connections with pre-maritally, but some, or even most of them have a better focus on what they want to do in life. They're honor students, best in certain subjects, and have high honors.
Everyone does have flaws, and as selfish as it seems, sometimes it just feels very tempting to just wish upon the stars for a happier life. Sometimes that feeling comes where I want to be in someone else's shoes for a day just to see what their life is like. Even if happiness, bliss, or whatever isn't permanent and that they go through hard times too, my curiosity still looms.
Yet... I feel like I shouldn't be the judge for that kind of thing. I have a hard time expressing who I am, especially in the outside circles of the world. I am usually a speaker before a thinker, and I am not very bright, as much as people say against that. Many times I feel like I've had good intentions but I have been feeling so strange that I haven't put the words and emotions what I've exactly wanted them to be.
And it really does hurt knowing that you have a hard time approaching people at the same time feeling that you want to approach them and just have a normal conversation. There have been days, even years where I've been wanting to approach people and have a conversation, but never do so because of shyness or a general lack of control. Even if it comes to virtual chats, I have a hard time even just uttering a simple hello. And after time people start to wonder how I'm doing...
It's hard to control this one at a time, let alone dealing with it all at once along with all the other problems of life, and the constantly shifting of anything contained in the mind. Having problems with breathing doesn't help in this either, as if things too fast, it gets hard to breathe, and when things go slow, the mind starts to go a bit crazy and it feels like there are too many things at once.
Sometimes it even feels like the only thing you CAN do is just hide it with a fake smile and move on. I would do the same, but however, what comes out of me is what is in me. I just live with it and I guess eventually... I just smile again because my mind's emotions do so. It almost feels like an infinite loop.
Yet it still feels like I still have the drive to go on. Even if it's just from time to time.
There have been many times too when I wanted to give up, but it really does feel like it's not a choice. Giving up can give the harshest of consequences, but it's not everyone else who you're hurting the most when doing so, it's you.
It's hard when the mindset constantly shifts without your control, or when people come and go, or when you deal with an everlasting battle of who has the mind's control... But somehow, it just feels like hope will always be there. It's not always when you get to grasp it, but with the right harmony, it can be achieved.
Yet being someone of this age, many things will still happen, and time will continue to only march forward. But there SHOULD always be something that keeps on going. Ending now isn't an option. It'll be painful, even more painful than life itself.
Life will also continue to branch on. And sure, time IS slow, but sometimes it does feel like it does go on very quickly. Some people don't realize how short it is until they reach their deathbed. It should be enjoyed, not sulked upon.
Life is a mess, but it's a mess that can be dealt with in multiple ways. Some people give up. Some people try to fix it to the best they can. Some people live with it. Some people will also make the most out of it. It's really up to the person who is dealing with which.
Not everyone lives the same. Sometimes life does suck, and even if I do want to live in other people's shoes, it does feel nice to be comfortable in my own, sometimes embracing them for what they are. It doesn't need to be the highest of estate, but it can be to what a person themselves wants it to be.
It should be embraced. All the problems mentioned earlier do happen to me and to many others in many different perspectives, but there will always be a light that leads, even if it's just figuratively..
Everyday will not be the same. Sometimes there'll be typhoons, in other days there will be drought, but sometimes it'll be just right. It's sometimes hard to wait for just the right weather, but it'll come eventually. Not even the shadiest of life's tricks can change what the weather can really be.
Remembering from someone who I do respect, life is really just like an amazing symphony. There may be parts where you may dislike, but them being all together can bring something really beautiful, even if it's hard to see it at a first glance.
It's hard to understand at times, but not a million's amount of "Life is" quotes can describe how enchanting it can truly be.