User blog:GamerNerd i/World of the Wickians Chapter 3: Grate the Roof

If you missed the previous chapter, the link is here. Yes, we alternate who posts the chapters.

Alternatively, if you missed the pineapple chapter, the link is here.

DISCLAIMER
This series of writings includes characters from based on actual users on this Wiki. While most of them have agreed to be apart of this and have approved the design of their character, a few have not. If you appear and were not asked for consent, please understand that we in no way intended to offend you. The authors of this project sincerely apologize for anything we do that may be interpreted as an insult, and would like to remind you that we're just trying to have a little bit of stupid fun.

In short, it's not meant to be taken seriously, and is mainly just a joke fan fiction.

What is War of the Wickians?
"World of the Wickians is a collaborative project between several users that aims to tell a story of the Wiki itself using elements primarily inspired by both the Super Smash Bros. series and the War of the Wikians event on Discord. Many users have gathered on Discord to plan and write the entire tale, including the main authors GamesterD, Gamernerd_i, Marcia Aeris/SoaringSprocket/Issa, and Murkrxw/LordHelix990/Lapis. The work will be split into several blog posts, with each author publishing a section as it is finished. We hope that you enjoy the product of our stupid little ideas."

- GamesterD

Lore
If you read the previous 2 chapters already, don’t bother reading this part and skip to the non italics, it’s one of those intros.

''One day, signs of unrest appeared in this idyllic world. Residents in New Suburbia were forced to fend off a Zombie horde, the likes of which hadn’t been seen in ages. Furthermore, a report had come in that Fmcki, a banned user known as the Costume Vandal, had somehow returned and ambushed several users on Mainspace Street with his own horde of Zombies.''

''Both threats — the residential horde and Fmcki’s ambush — had been expunged with relative ease. The residents were no strangers to combat, and Fmcki was banned again. The real danger, however, lurked in the implications of these occurrences. Zombie attacks were common, but huge waves were nearly unheard of. And if banned users were returning, their combined power could very well overwhelm the rather limited number of Staff with Banhammers.''

No one knew what was to come, but everyone knew that if things could get much, much worse, they would...

Outside the apartments in the middle of the afternoon was a ton of dead zombie bodies. Those responsible for the carnage returned to the building with the others.

“Right, so where were we?” Allison asked while brushing her hair out of her eyes.

“I think you wanted to get to know your neighbors better,” GN’s voice flatly called from his open door. It was hard to tell if he was being sarcastic.

Gamester snickered, back in his casual outfit, but put up a serious face right after.

“Zombie attacks haven’t happened in a while so this is a strange anomaly. Maybe it could be a one time thing?”

“If it is, I kinda want more; slaughtering those undeads myself was pretty fun,” the cat Dreamy said while lying on the ground.

“Dreamy, not all of us are into blood spilling or whatever zombies have.” Gamester told the cat.

“Says the one who jumped off the building to fight them.”

Gamester didn’t say a word and gave him a demeaning glare as if he was trying to say “Fuck off.” (Well, really, given his personality, the glare probably meant something more along the lines of “F### off.”)

“I’m kinda into that shit, and you don’t see me jumping off fucking buildings.” Allison glared at Gamester with a glare that most definitely said “Fuck off.”

The blond girl from earlier appeared suddenly next to Allison. “Perhaps we should focus on the issue at hand before having a civilized discussion about the best way to start a fight?”

Allison turned to the girl, and glared at her. “Who even are you? I still don’t know who the hell you are.”

“Nadia Liucantuel,” she answered. “I believe you’re acquainted with my boss GamerNerd and my idiot partner Aidan.”

“‘Acquainted’ is a bit much, but yeah.”

Aidan came up the stairs and casually spit a Zombie eye out the window, muttering something about keeping his mouth open. “As much as I’d like to argue that jumping out windows is badass, N’s right. About the arguing, anyway. This issue needs to be solved now. Even if it’s not necessarily for the sake of the people in this building, because you guys seem to be able to handle yourselves pretty well.”

“Alright, then. Where do we start?”

“Warn someone, probably.”

Gamester pulls out a phone from his pocket. “I got someone in mind.” He tapped on his device a few times and put it to his ear.

“Hey Damason. Yes, it’s me, Gamester, did’ya find anything in Mainspace? Well that su—wait, zombie corpses? We have the undead here too...Dips###, we got attacked by zombies. Of course it’s zombies, what else do you expect?”

The speaker changed on the other end. Gamester’s eyes widened. He put his hand to the phone’s speaker.

“...you guys know who Fmicki is?”

Dreamy widened his own eyes and stopped doing whatever cat stuff he’d been doing. “Oh, him? I think he was a vandalizer who got banned for putting in jester costumes for plants and zombies. Why do you ask?”

GN leaned on his doorstep with a blackened rag in hand. “Because Gamester likes to reminisce about these things,” he said sarcastically. “Obviously something’s wrong with the costumes again. Probably a sock of him.”

Gamester shook his head. “No, this isn’t a sock, this is the real deal. The real Fmicki’s back.”

“Really? Thought that guy was a myth,” Allison called out.

“Clearly not in this case, Ethan told me himself. Oh yeah, Ethan’s with Damason for some reason along with three others, a science guy, a girl, and a dead corpse? Any guesses?"

“I know Drek has a science fetish, so maybe it’s him. Jack is the only one who dies a lot. I don’t have the slightest clue who the girl is,” Dreamy respondsed “But if I'm right, man, this must be serious. Two B-Crats, Ethan, and...whoever the hell you’re calling… and the girl.”

GN began pacing nervously. “Well, I was going to recommend that we let a Mod know about this, but if banned users are returning and B-Crats were attacked, this is probably an issue that the entire team needs to know about. We need to tell both the Admins and the Mods. All of them.” Which frankly didn’t mean as much as he made it sound, especially when you consider the fact that the entire Staff team was basically like ten people. (Outdated joke, RIP.) “I'll tell them to meet up with us so we can learn more in person and meet up with them.”

Gamester then goes back to his call. “Alright, you know where the apartments are, meet us there. Bye”. He ends the call and puts his device back to his pocket. “Anyone else you wanna warn, guys?”

GN looked thoughtful for a moment and yelled into his apartment. “Azura, can you deliver a message for me?” There was a sassy answer from inside. “Your brother isn’t here right now and your parents are trying to solve the issue at its roots… Please?”

A little raven-haired girl wearing paint-splattered denims stomped out of the apartment in a tantrum. “Fine,” she huffed, crossing her arms. “Where am I going?”

“Vampy’s house. Tell him-”

“Okay, see you!” The girl sped down the hallway, leaving black splotches of ink behind her.

GN sighed in exasperation. “I didn’t even finish…” He pulled out his phone to make a text silently. Sometimes I wonder why I wrote her that way…

A Peashooter sat at the window of a high building, looking across the land. This cool little Peashooter wore Converse and a set of laurels. Don’t ask how a plant could wear Converse and other plants, but at least he looked cool wearing them.

“Hey Vampy, did you make that announcement about all the changes already?”

“Yes I did, you stinky Roman,” A vampire flower (who was a guy, not a girl, by the way. REMEMBER THAT!) responded from the other room. “Didn’t you see it?”

“I didn’t, flower fucker, that’s why I asked.” Vampy bared his fangs out faster than you could say “m,” but a ringing doorbell stopped him before he could take a bite. “Were you expecting someone?”

“No, actually.” The plant spotted something outside the window and groans. “Get it for me, would you? I’m gonna ban Senator for the 50th time in a row.” And so the small idiot went to do his deed.

Vampy exhaled and made his way to the door and opened it.

“Hello fellow user, how may I-”

He stopped and shut the door before he even finished his sentence. Just outside stood one of his mortal enemies… A loli. Which, if you didn’t know (though you probably should), is basically just a Japanese term for an underage little girl. With sexual implications. Because people...do that, and they’re into that, I guess. Don’t ask why. Vampy had a particular interest in lolis not because he was one of those people, but because he was the chief of the Loli Police (Lolice, if you will) that found and… Really didn’t do much except scold them to be honest.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” the little monster asked in her terrifying ten-year old voice. “Are you scared of me or something? I haven’t even DONE anything yet! I have a-”

Vampy opened the door slightly, just enough to size up the girl. “You haven’t. Go away before I’m forced to kick you in the ribs,” he threatened.

The girl rolled her eyes and reached for the doorknob, but Vampy slammed the door shut and locked it. He heard a liquid slurping from behind him. “Do you want to hear what I have to say or not?!”

Vampy turned around and almost fell over when he saw the girl behind him. “GOOD LORD WHAT IN FUCK’S NAME-”

“Shut up, I didn’t come here to kill you or anything!” the girl yelled. “GamerNerd wanted me to tell you something!”

Vampy stopped upon hearing his Lolice desk sergeant's name. Why the fuck is Nerd sending a loli to tell me stuff? “Okay, fine. What is it?”

“Some weirdo named F…” she stumbled over the name “F-mickey? Whatever his name is. Drek got jumped by him.”

Vampy sat speechless as TCLP returned from banning the lunatic senator.

“AB, what the fuck are you-” he too stopped short when he noticed the girl. “Oh, language. Who's the kid?”

“My name is Azura,” she said, crossing her little arms, “And I’m not a kid,” she insisted.

“Then how old are you?” Vampy blurted out.

Azura scowled. “I’m ten.”

“So you are a kid.”

“I’m not!”

TCLP brought out his banhammer from...who knows where. Frankly I’d rather not know.

“Why are you even here?” he demanded.

“I’m trying to deliver a message, but she’s not taking me seriously,” Azura whined.

“Because you’re like, nine, and we’ve never seen you around here before,” TCLP replied. “Why should he trust you?”

Vampy spoke up before Azura could retort about her age again. “GamerNerd sent her. Drek saw Fmcki on Mainspace Street earlier.”

TCLP looked at Vampy and blinked.

“You mean like… A sock?” TCLP ventured.

“He didn’t used to make socks, but it’s a possibility,” Vampy shrugged. As much as he hated to rely on a loli to relay information, he didn’t have any other choice. “Ask her.”

Azura shrugged. “I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying before I had to go.” She pulled out a phone and handed it to Vampy. “Here. Call him.”

Vampy stared at Azura’s unusual wallpaper before flipping to the contacts to call GamerNerd (who, for some reason, had the title “Kuya,” whatever the fuck that means). Someone picked up.

“Hey, Azura, what’s up?”

Vampy excused himself and moved into the next room to scold him. “Hi, I’m the police.”

GN sighed on the other end. “Please don’t tell me you took Azura’s phone just to scold me for sending her, specifically.”

TCLP listened closely. Vampy put the phone on speaker. “Absolutely NOT,” he insisted. “But remind me to do that later. What the fuck is this I’m hearing about the Costume guy again?”

“Well, so far we’re just playing telephone, but according to Drek and Ethan, they got attacked by the real deal. Not a sock. The actual Fmcki. Drek rebanned him, but Jack died in the fight.”

TCLP could barely hide his laugh. “Jack died fighting the Costume Vandal,” he snickered. “What a fuckin retard.”

“So yeah, whatever happened, Fmcki got banned again.”

“That’s it, then? Crisis averted?” Vampy asked. “Didn’t you guys take care of the other thing already?”

“Well, yes, but actually no,” GN said slowly. “Just a hunch, but this is probably connected. We think that something happened for the worst.”

“And what does this have that’s such an emergency? Probably just some mistake or something,” Vampy asked, clearly not satisfied with what info he had, and especially not the 10 year old sent to deliver it.

“Do you want things to escalate from the chaos you guys caused a while back?”

Vampy paused for a moment, pondering the thought (and potentially thinking about forcing Azura into the basement of his house; yes he does that). Finally, he responded with…

“Fine but if there’s jackshit, I’mma gonna demote you. Capish?”

“Flos inutilis, ” the Nerd muttered in response before terminating the connection.

“...that better have meant ‘yes.’” Vampy then passed Azura’s phone back to her without looking and started walking out. TCLP looked at him then pondered a bit.

“If we’re doing this, might as well get TULO.” The plant then picked his own phone out of the same place his hammer came from and called a certain cookie addict. “Yeah, TULO? Long story short, we’re meeting at the apartments.”

“Which apartments? Can’t you be specific?” a voice from the other end said.

“The ones with the Gamers and other relevant people to the plot. We’ll tell you everything once we meet up.”

“Got it.” The phone call ended and TCLP returns it to wherever the fuck those stuff come from. He then goes out the same way Vampy left, leaving Azura alone.

“...what’s her deal?” she asked herself before following the big staff members.

The trio of two plants and a most-likely-loli started to walk from the slightly bigger apartment to the slightly smaller apartment a couple miles away. As they crossed the 2019th crossroad, Vampy brought up something.

“Alright so... GamerNerd sent you because why exactly? He should be very aware that I fu… erm… am not a fan of little girls.” Vampy struggled not to say “fucking hate” in front of the 10 year old.

Azura shrugged and responded, “Father and mother were busy. My brother has been away for the last few days. Nobody else would do it, so GamerNerd sent me.”

“Alright Vampy, you’ve had your question. Now I’ll have mine.” TCLP said. He turned to the girl. “What are you? I’ve never seen you before. For all I know, you might be a sock or secret vandalizer.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means impersonator you little... child.”

“Grrr…”

The interrogation devolved into an argument so intense that its participants become unable to hear the honking noises approaching them

“I am NOT a kid!” Azura seethed.

“YOU’RE TEN YEARS OLD!!!” Both staff scream in response.

“LOOK OUT!!!”

The screeching of tires on asphalt alerted the group to a rapidly approaching car. Damason sat in the driver’s seat. Micaiah was riding shotgun, with Ethan and Drek riding in the back. (I’m not giving intros to anybody we introduced in previous chapters. If you don’t know who the hell these guys are, read Chapter 2.)

Vampy quickly teleported away, (why he didn’t just teleport to the apartments is beyond me, but some people have garlic brains), TCLP hyper jumped straight up, and Azura melted into a puddle of ink. The car drove through, and came to a full stop without any casualties.

Vampy quickly reappeared back on scene, more pissed than he usually is. He approached the driver with his fangs bared, not noticing who else is in the car.

“Alright motherfucker, you better have a good reason to be driving here, ESPECIALLY because I don’t recognize that face of yours. Who are you, and why shouldn’t I smack you with a stop sign?”

“Who the hell are you then, you haunted flower?” Damason replied, quite pissed. “I honked at least 6 times and your nonexistent ears clearly didn’t pick up!”

Vampy suddenly procured a stop sign in his flowery hands and began whacking the hell out of car. It didn’t do much damage other than minor dents. Damason just stared. “You’re never gonna get past this, it’s made of-”

“Vampy, he’s fine. Stop.” Drek said from the passenger seat.

Vampy stopped and stared at Drek and Ethan, who was waving casually. The others recovered as the group from Mainstreet get out of the vehicle.

“Ethan, go get Jack from the trunk.” Drek instructed.

“Alrighty,” Ethan responded as he went to open the trunk.

Damason walked towards the staff group, his hands lingering on the hood of his vehicle. “Not sure if you know, but Jack died fighting some weird monster named Fmcki. Prepare to see a corpse.”

TCLP just stared at Damason as if he was some kind of dipshit. Which he was. “You don’t know, don’t you?”

“Don’t know what?”

“This.” TCLP pointed to Ethan as he opened the trunk. Some dude with glasses tumbled out of the truck, gasping for air.

“HOLY FUCK, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!” the plot-revived Jack exclaimed, breathing heavily.

Damason just stared at unnatural event what just happened. “...I thought he was dead...how?”

“Hey weiner, Jack dies all the time, he just revives everytime he does. It should be common knowledge at this point.” TCLP explained to the future kid.

“...I suppose that’s a thing. Not the craziest thing I’ve experienced.” He shrugged. “Well, better get to Gamester’s place now.”

Damason bonked on the car hood a couple of times and caught his phone in middair as it changes forms. He then walked into the apartments. The staff didn’t respond. They’d seen weirder shit than a car turning into a phone. Well, Drek responded, but Drek is a coward who freaks out about everything. He quickly follows Damason, screaming, “HEY, YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW THAT PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY WORKS!!!”

Micaiah just looked at the staff before introducing herself.

“I’m sorry about all this, I’m Micaiah, if you didn’t know. Nice to meet you all, I guess.” She proceeded to enter the building, leaving only Ethan, Azura, Vampy, TCLP, and a hyperventilating Jack left outside. Vampy sighs and muttered some things to himself. “That nerd better be serious about this or I will fucking SMACK the shit out of him.”

The flower walked into the building. The rest followed silently. Except for Jack, who was still gasping for air.

Inside the building were a couple of people doing what they did best, which isn’t saying much. Drek was with Damason, yelling about the scientific impossibilities of his phone as Allison dropped cluster f-bombs and precision f-strikes to everyone that entered. Dreamy was taking a nap like the felines do. GamerNerd sat conversing with his two underlings on the sofa. Gamester was nearby, talking to some people on the phone. Micaiah looked around in curiosity of the plain and unimpressive apartment. Two new characters to this shitshow waited on the couch.

One seemed normal, wearing a simple t-shirt, jeans, dark green winter jacket, red scarf, and shoes… Until you looked at his head and realized that he’s a literal Iceberg Lettuce with earmuffs. How nature or AWikiBoy (AWB) decided that this was a good avatar is beyond me, but we also have a Peashooter with a Roman fetish, so anything is possible.

The user next to AWB was female, adorned in a white dress with purple and pink outlining and a queenlike air. Her name is Pinkgirl, or just Pink.

(I really don’t know what else to say to be honest, so let’s get to the slightly more interesting stuff.)

Gamester muttered some things in his call while Vampy, Jack, and TCLP approached him and Gamester2 (Or you could call Gamester “GamerNerd2.” It doesn’t really matter.) with many questions to ask. Gamester held back the powerful admins with his finger without realizing who they were as he finished his call.

“Alright, you’ll be on your way. Thanks for the help, you cheesy duo.” He put his mobile device into his pocket and told GamerNerd, “Marcia and Elemec are arriving, not sure when but they will come.”

“They’ll arrive when we need them. I’m sure of that.” GamerNerd replied. Both gamers were oblivious to the fact that their superiors were near them.

“These are your friends?” Allison muttered as she absentmindedly sharpened her sword from a random-ass piano bench. “They’re… odd.”

Vampy sighed and tapped both of the losers to get their attention. Vampy then goes on a “small” rant.

“Nerd, why the fuck did you send a loli to inform me of this costume vandal, do you know what kind of shock you gave me when that little girl slipped through my door cracks and almost made me banish her to the shadow realm!?!”

Gamester jumps approximately 2 feet above the coach from the shock of the flower fucker’s voice but GamerNerd didn’t even move an inch. “Vampy, look, I didn’t have anyone else to send. This is, I hope, more important than that slip-up,” he responded calmly. (If you ask me, he was being insincere.)

“Nerd, you know me and there’s no goddamn way you can forget my dislike of those things!” Vampy growled, gesturing not-so-subtlely to the little girl now sitting with Aidan and Nadia.

“Well, would you have preferred to have known sooner or later?”

TCLP cleared his throat (or whatever the plant’s equivalent of a throat is) to bring attention to the group.

“While this conversation is... interesting, I’d like to know why we were called here in the first place,” the Peashooter said.

“We’re trying to get there.” Gamester responded. “Alright, let’s get everybody to the biggest room. Erm, who has the biggest room here?”

“I think mine’s big enough.”

AWB, who somehow managed to hear that through his earmuffs, had snuck up on the group. The human with an Iceberg Lettuce head was standing right next to the staffs and gamers. “Come. I’ll show you the way.” AWB proceeded to another section of the apartment.

GamerNerd got up and spoke loudly to get everyone’s attention. “Guys, we’re meeting at AWB’s room, let’s get going!”

After some muttering about various things you probably don’t care about, the occupants followed the planthead to his room, which was most spacious because it had the least amount of furniture and stuff compared to every other resident, to discuss what they’re up against.

GamerNerd waited until everyone and settled and prepared his voice.

“Okay, so basically...”

''The following scene has been removed due to how god damn boring it is. Holy shit, it was boring as hell, it only had GamerNerd and Drek relaying the events in a very retarded way you’d rather not see. Be glad I’m skipping this for you all.''

Pink is the first to react to the tale. “Lordy, I can’t believe this but if this is true…”

AWB nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I can’t see this not being a prank. If two b-crats and a moderator were attacked, this is serio...”

“Actually, we have 3 moderators in the building.” Gamester interrupted the lettuce.

“Wait, when did we get two new moderators in the building?” Allison asked. “I’m pretty sure it was only GamerNerd.”

“Blame real time for being a b####. This is taking place after the incident but before Drek gets demoted. Me and Dreamy are mods in discord, I’m also in the wiki as a mod too.” Gamester replied.

Everyone stared at Gamester like he’s lost his fucking mind as usual. GamerNerd buried his face in his hands. “Gamester, you can’t just-”

“I GET DEMOTED?!?!” Drek screamed.

“You also owe me Discord Nitro. Anyway, the point is that how will we deal with this?”

“WHY DO I OWE YOU NITRO!?!?”

“OK, first off, yay, I’m mod in Discord. Second, can’t we just continue to shadow realm these vandals like we usually do just more actively?” Dreamy asks.

TCLP shook his head.

“It’s not as easy as it sounds. We gotta find them first and hope they’ll hold still. They never do so, banning all of them will be a pain.”

“Well, let’s just hunt them down. They can’t be that far.”

Jack then spoke up. “While I can confirm that TCLP is right that it’s a lot harder to ban than it seems, Dreamy’s right. If they’re going for revenge, why not let them come to us?”

Suddenly, a massive cheese grater crashed through the window and ricocheted off the wall (because that’s totally how physics works), hitting Jack. He screamed as he was knocked out the window, another grater already coming at him. Bloodstains splattered onto the window, accompanied by other indicators of extreme pain. Vampy looked at the window without the slightest indicator of surprise.

“That’s why, Jack. Because then you get your… Um...What part of you got bloodied?” He went to the window to witness the gore for himself. “Holy shit, his ass got grated. That’s a new one.”

The non-users are shocked by the event (Damason and Micaiah less so as they had heard TCLP’s Jack fact, but still quite so). Nadia is the first to respond fiercely toward Vampy.

“You wish to tell me that one of your comrades has fallen, and your only care is how he died?!”

Vampy shrugged. “Pretty much.”

“He’s your friend! A fellow staff member!”

“He dies all the time, it’s fine.”

Nadia, for once, couldn’t find any more words. “I- Death isn’t something to be taken-”

TCLP interrupted the conversation of morality with a finger (leaf?) snap. The flower fucker and the demigod stopped arguing and turned towards the plant.

“Argue later, we gotta get this vandal outta here. Any ideas on who it may be?”

AWB did a “big thonk” face for approximately 2 seconds before giving his answer.

“Camwood, probably. He does enjoy sticking cheesegraters up people’s ass.”

Pink frowned in disappointment when she heard that name.

“If this whole ‘vandals are attacking’ event is true, I do not appreciate the fact that one of the first is him.”

“Complain later, fight now. I’m going to find some high ground to find that piece of wood.” Gamester told Pink before he ran out of the room and climbed to the roof. GamerNerd followed, along with Allison, Damason, Micaiah, Aidan, Nadia, Drek, Ethan, AWB, Pink, and Azura. Meanwhile, Dreamy, TCLP, and Vampy just looked at each other before looking through the broken window to locate where the cheese grater came from. They saw nothing.

“Nothing here guys. We’re gonna have to follow the others to locate him.” said Dreamy.

“Or we can get there before them.” said Vampy. He started to wave his wand and poof! He was gone in an instant.

“Vampy, you’re not leaving me you son of a bitch.” TCLP responded as he activated his Hyper ability and parkoured to the roof. Dreamy shrugged and dove out the window to climb up the brick and concrete.

By the time the cat arrived at the roof, Vampy and TCLP were having a staredown with a being made of several pieces of wood with glasses, armed with cheese graters and a massive piece of paper. The staredown, which lasted for a total of 3 seconds, took place in utter silence. The only other sound was the wind. And a few people charging to the roof via stairs but you know what? Screw them.

Camwood broke the silence by throwing a cheesegrater at the trio without a word of warning. The three easily dodge it, unlike Jack’s dead ass, and charge right toward him. Vampy gets first blood after dodging yet another cheesegrater, biting the pile of wood. In language almost incomprehensible, the living bark howled in rage:

'“Fine. You know what? Just forget it. It's obvious none of you care enough to actually listen, and want to treat me as the just the bad guy who derails threads and causes drama. I've explained everything about my opinions, and yet nobody even cares enough to listen. Oh, they claim they listen, but they actually don't understand a single word I say, and make it glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain. I said if you weren't willing to listen and realize your own flaws, this would never end. But I guess you guys want this to never end unless some side has a serious revelation or crippling event occur, because not a single one of you has actually gone ahead and done that. To put it bluntly, if you were at all trying to help, you failed. You failed, because you couldn't be bothered to actually practice what you preach. You tell me to listen and recognize my mistakes, even though you refuse to do it yourself. You tell me to stop repeating myself, when you regurgitate the same advice such as ‘get a therapist!’ or ‘call a hotline!’ over and over and over. You yell at me for shoving away help, even when I make it clear why I do so. And then, once I state that, you tell me to listen and recognize my mistakes. People like you guys who have the audacity to claim they're ‘helping’ and yet actually only worsen the problem are some of my least favorite types. It takes a bad, bad man to be worse than that. Because, in spite of all your claims, it's clear you don't care. At best, you care about making it SEEM like you helped to the community so you can get bonus brownie points and that promotion you wanted and oh so honestly deserve. At worst, you flat-out do not give a single crap about the person you're ‘helping’ and expect that to whimsically solve the issues.I can tell no matter what I say in this thread, it won't mean a thing. It'll be disregarded, it's just ol' Bad Guy Cameron playing the victim card. And the outcome will be an unanimous support. I've seen this happen enough times to be able to predict this'll happen. I could say the most moving speech, that makes even my worst enemies reconsider, but we all know it'd still be Support, Choice 1. I could reveal my plans to take over the world and use my newfound powers as dictator of the universe to behead everyone I hate, and it'd be Support, Choice 1. I could post the Bee Movie script, and it'd still be Support, Choice 1. I could say I dislike peanut butter, and it'd still be Support, Choice 1. I could self-harm and post images of it on this thread, and you know what? It'd probably be the same as if I said puppies were cute. That is to say, Support, Choice 1. I could die, with the legal cause of death being ‘suicide’ and the reasons for it being made increasingly obvious the more you go into the list that it's stuff like this that caused it, and... Nobody would even bat an eye. It'd just be an, ‘oh well, Support Choice 1 wins automatically.’ So you know what? Forget it. Just close the thread now and say Choice 1 wins. You know it'll happen either way, so what's the point in delaying the inevitable where 1.5 years of my life are rendered moot?”'

“...that had no context at all.” Dreamy replied as he bounced off the flower’s head for a special attack.

“Dammit cat!!! Don’t jump on me or I’ll lock you in my basement!” Vampy screamed as he warped out of the way of Dreamy’s onslaught.

The airborne cat presses a button on his chest and 4 Dreamies appear beside each other. All of their eyes flash in yellow and the background glows red. In swift action, all four cats struck Camwood in deadly coordinated attacks. During the barrage, the grate wielding user kept on spouting absolute nonsense.

'“IF YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR ADVICE SERIOUSLY, NO, IF YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY, MAYBE, INSTEAD OF SITTING HERE AND INSULTING ME, YOU SHOULD DO THE THINGS YOU'VE TOLD ME TO DO TO JACK!! IF YOU EVEN WANT THINGS TO IMPROVE A LITTLE BIT, YOU'LL LEARN TO ACTUALLY HAVE SOME COMMON FUCKING DECENCY FOR ONCE IN YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND GET SOME FUCKING MANNERS! BUT INSTEAD, ALL YOU HAVE DONE IS SIT HERE AND YELL AT ME FOR BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON, WHILE ACTING LIKE YOU'RE THE INNOCENT ONE WHO DID NOTHING WRONG! AND YOU ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME DESPITE THE FACT I'VE TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES, AND THE FACT THAT YOU YOURSELF TOLD ME YOU WANTED ME TO LISTEN TO JACK! GO AHEAD AND SHOVE A CHEESE GRATER INSIDE YOUR VAGINA, YOU FUCKING HORRENDOUS EXCUSE OF A ‘HELPER!’ IF I COULD, I WOULD LITERALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE HARD YOUR TEETH WOULD FALL OUT FOR WHAT FUCKING HORRIBLE SHIT YOU HAVE DONE FOR M—”'

“Shut the fuck up you pile of firewood.” TCLP responds as he and Vampy join the barrage, launching peas and lasers at the piece of wood. Overkill? Probably. But who cares? Camwood continues to rant about… whatever he’s saying. Trust me, nobody can tell what the fuck he’s trying to accomplish.

'“YOU HAVEN'T APOLOGIZED WHEN I SAID I FELT LIKE YOU'VE MADE THE PROBLEM WORSE! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ACT DECENT TOWARDS ME! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANY ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND ANY SIDE OTHER THAN JACK'S SIDE! AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT!! IF YOU WANT ME TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT CAN WORK—”'

As the wood continued to rant and be brutalized by an all out attack, the others arrived to the roof, most of them panting from exhaustion.

“...Huff … Hah.... We’re here… Let’s do this…” Gamester weakly wheezed, then promptly collapsed. Damason and Micaiah grabbed him before he could fall onto the concrete floor.

“...you think they’ll be fine?” Pink asks. “Ah, this is nothing. They’ll totally be fine.” AWB replies.

“Well then, anybody want popcorn?” Aidan asked jokingly, having already procured a bag. Nadia glared and smacked the bag out of his hand. Azura eagerly attempted to join the attack, but Aidan grabbed her by the shirt before she could. While the loli still squirmed to join the fray, the rest wisely decided to sit back and observe the carnage.

Finally, the all out attack stopped, revealing a brutally beaten piece of wood (only one was left) and glasses with splotches of green chlorophyll, bite and slash marks, and a few burned holes. He attempted to give one last rant but Pink walked up to him (actually, more like a massive stomp, but Pink isn’t like that, so think of it somewhere in the middle) and shuts his… Whatever his speaking hole is.

“...I have no words for you,” she began, despite the fact that she clearly had words for him. “You know what happened and so does everyone else. We don’t want any association with you any longer.” She then slapped the tiny user before handing him over to Vampy. “He’s all yours.”

“With pleasure.” Vampy summoned his precious hammer and swings it. The faithful “BANNED!” appeared above the roof. And in thus, the rant of ‘17 was no more.

Drek, nervously tapping his fingers, managed to speak of what had just transpired.

“Well, that’s 2 banned people we got. But there has to be more, now that it’s not just Fmicki, right?” He somehow manages to say without a hint of fear. In his voice, at least. Poor fuck was shaking like an earthquake.

Ethan opened his mouth to point out something to Drek, but looked up for a little neck stretch and noticed something.

“Um...guys?” His voice was unnaturally uneasy as he pointed up and, instinctively, everyone’s eyes followed.

Three figures were descending from the sky. One seemed to be a blond-haired boy atop a pitch-black dragon with eyes matching his rider’s hair. Beside them was a figure resembling the son of non-super-saiyan Goku... holding an Oreo.

Aidan, Nadia, and Azura looked at the Dragon Ball ripoff and asked the same thing simultaneously. “Who’s that?”

“That’s TULO, one of the strongest b-crats we have here. Don’t mess with him to say the least.” TCLP responded. “Also, who’s the guy on the dragon?”

“My name is Frey, and this is Doskael.” The boy from above responds as both he and TULO land on the floor. “I met him while I was out taking Doskael for a walk… Well, a flight, I guess. He was on the phone, so we almost crashed. Apparently he was taking an urgent call from ‘The Cool Little Peashooter?’ Weird name.”

“Shut up. I was, like, 10 when I made that,” Thanos Car Little Penis responded indignantly.

“Well that’s the general gist of it. So, what was the problem?” TULO asks in with the most serious face in the group. As a matter of fact, not a single soul wasn’t looking at TULO without some kind of form of fear or respect...well, except two.

Micaiah was staring at where the sun would usually be, but she was caught in some sort of trancelike state. Her body refused to move but, nobody had noticed for a while. Meanwhile, Allison was seriously thinking about just ditching the group and returning to her apartment. The former opened her mouth in complete shock.

“Oh, lord…”

Allison also looked up.

“Is that a goddamn crack in the sky?”

Everyone turned to where they were facing and watched, speechless. A massive hole had torn into the very fabric of the world they had built, spewing tiny figures with no purpose but to wreak havoc. Nobody spoke for a solid 2 minutes.

Thus was the unfortunate truth: The Banned had returned, spelling doom for the Wiki as a whole… Assuming they didn’t have plot armor.

“...does anybody still have popcorn?” squeaked a timid voice among the onlooking crowd.

Trivia (Provided by Gamester)

 * The title is a pun of cheese graters and the song, "Graze the Roof."(Yes, this is trivia)
 * If you combine the call from the end of the last Chapter to the start of this Chapter, you get a working conversation via phone.
 * The staff amount joke is outdated as seen clearly.
 * Vampy is totally a flower f###er.
 * He also actually does hate lolis.
 * Best you don't translate GamerNerd's last message on the phone to Vampy.
 * Jack (And his a##) are fine.
 * Elemec and Marcia will arrive...eventually.
 * Gamester can break the fourth wall, hence he is aware of current events rn unlike everyone else.
 * As an FYI: this story takes place after the discord incident but before Drek gets demoted. We hope we don't have to change this as we have had to remove two users from this story due to irl stuff in the wiki.
 * The attack Dreamy does to Camwood is a reference to the All Out Attack mechanic from Persona 5.
 * Camwood's first rant is an actual thing. The 2nd and 3rd were ripped off from the discord event this piece of joke was based on.
 * Nobody has popcorn rn.