User blog:GamerNerd i/It's About (Messing Up) Time: Act VII

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I've always liked Dandelions & Daffodils. What's that you say? It's not actually called "Dandelions & Daffodils?" Dungeons & Dragons? Where'd you here that?

“Is there any logic to the order of this time-hopping at all?”

“Not really. I mean, we could totally go in chronological order, but this is the order in which he showed up, so I’m just following that.”

“How does that make any sense? The order in which he showed up would be chronological order.”

“It doesn’t. In this world, nothing does except gravity. And sometimes, not even that. Just trust me, okay?”

The Recreators stare into a portal. There’s a castle on the other side, sitting under a massive moon which for some reason has a giant face.

“I don’t like castlezz,” Rotom buzzes. “Castlezz hurt me too much.”

“These ones aren’t possessed and made out of sand, so you should be fine,” Aidan says offhandedly. “Although if you’re worried about Dark types, it’s important to note that this place is eternally nighttime.”

Nadia raises an eyebrow. “What, like a literal Dark Ages?”

Aidan nods. “And that’s not even the worst pun the devs have made.” He steps through, beckoning. “Come on, let’s go.”

Despite being nighttime, the moon shed a gentle light on everything. More orbs of light in the form of fireflies gave the whole area a very magical atmosphere. The incessant chirping of crickets began as soon as Rotom comes through the gate and does not cease until the end of the video. (I had to deal with that so you guys don’t have to. You’re welcome.) The vegetation—the non-sentient kind—is overgrown. Deep greens and blues complement the splatters of yellow fireflies and the purple-black sky overhead. The tree trunks are such a dark brown that they seem to mesh with the rest of the shadows.

“This... This is beautiful,” Nadia says. “Except for that moon. Its frozen face is... Unnerving.”

Aidan inaudibly mutters something about Majora. “Just watch your step. You don’t want to step on a mushroom. Some of them have quite a temper.”

This warp was unusual in that it hadn’t landed them directly on the familiar gridded lawn. The three trekked through a mossy patch of woods passing many seemingly normal mushrooms along the way. Aidan mutters something in another language as he passes each patch.

“What are you saying?” Nadia asks finally.

“Something to appease a cultural superstition about little people living in mushrooms who can curse you,” Aidan responds. He doesn’t offer any other explanation, so Nadia drops the subject. I don’t think it’d be the weirdest thing she’s heard.

“Oh, look, it’s the grid,” Aidan says. Sure enough, they’d emerged on the familiar pattern of checkered squares. On the right was a castle, drawbridge down. On the left was a humble, well-lit hut.

The area was peaceful until Nadia did the exact thing that Aidan told her not to do and stepped on a living mushroom.

There was a cartoonish squeak as Nadia’s foot came down on the little purple cap. When her foot comes off, a little white stem with a face comes up too.

“AGH! Hey! Watch it, Dave!” A tiny voice says. “Wait, you’re not- Zombies! GUYS GET THEM!”

Nadia and Aidan have enough time to look at each other in surprise as several more white and purple mushrooms emerge from all over the lawn and the scouting shroom vanishes in a little cloud of purple.

“Both of you, get down!” Nadia grabs Rotom and ducks behind Aidan, who turns into a large pink rock just as the Puff-shrooms start peppering the trio with spores. The onslaught only lasts a few seconds. Rock Aidan rumbles the whole time as if saying, “Ow ow ow ow ow.”

The barrage ceases and the rock stops rumbling. The stone crumbles, and Aidan is left lying on the floor amid the shards of rubble. The shrooms vanish in puffs of dust.

“Ow,” he says. I knew it! “Stone form may be indestructible,” he adds weakly, “but it definitely doesn’t make you invulnerable.”

Nadia pulls him up. “You could have done something else that hurt less, caudex.”

“And you could be more careful next time,” Aidan retorts. “I told you already to watch your step.”

“Whatever,” Nadia says, “let’s just get in the castle.” Aidan grabs her arm as she starts toward the fortress.

“Not that one. The shack.” He starts in the other direction, toward to cozy-looking home.

Nadia rolls her eyes and follows. Rotom glances at the castle nervously and hovers behind Nadia.

Aidan knocks on the door. A head greets both his face and his feet.

“Oh... Hello,” the top head of a Pea-nut says. “You’re neither a Zombie nor a human I've met. May I help you?”

“We,” the bottom head corrects. “May we help you.”

Nadia is clearly still having trouble getting used to multi-headed plants. That being said, she’s getting better at curbing her reactions. She stiffens briefly and clenches her fists.

“Who’s in charge around here?” Aidan asks, turning back to Pea-Nut.

“No one in particular,” the bottom responds.

“Yeah, they’re mushrooms,” the top head adds. “They have this thing about everyone being connected and the same or something. We don’t get it.”

Nadia mutters something about fungal biology. Aidan glances back at her. “May we come in, then? I’d be interested in seeing this style of leadership.” Pea-Nut moves over and the three enter.

A Fume-shroom is scolding a Puff-shroom. “You don’t just fire at humanoids who aren’t Dave! Nate and Patrice are people, you know?” He looks up at the trio briefly, getting even angrier and puffing up a little. “Really, Arnold? You shot at these guys? Do you remember anything that Ice-shroom said?”

“Er... No.” The Puff-shroom is the one that got stepped on. (I can tell by the fact that its cap looks slightly caved in.)

“Well, obviously not,” the Fume-shroom yells, puffing up further. “Otherwise you’d know that these guys SAVED ICE-SHROOM’S ASS!!!”

Aidan and Nadia are perplexed. I can only imagine that Rotom looks the same way.

“Watch your language,” a yellow, glowing mushroom says. “There are visitors. At least try not to- HURP!” Sun-shroom spits out an orb of light. “Blegh... Bad timing. Anyway,” he turns his attention to the three. “I'm sorry you had to hear that; Fume-shroom here has a bit of a temper to him.”

A glowing yellow bean in another corner chuckles. “Indeed he does, but it’s not without its benefits. Just see the rate at which he inflates. It’s quite entertaining.” Sure enough, Fume-shroom just keeps growing.

Aidan looks at him nervously. “Uh, yeah, you might want to let that out, dude. That doesn’t look healthy.”

Fume-shroom walks out the door glaring, but doesn’t speak.

“He’s the one who’s nicknamed ‘Balloon-shroom,’ right?” Nadia asks after the mushroom leaves.

“Yes... But don’t call him that.” Rotom looks at another mushroom who would fit perfectly onto a hippie’s tie-dye shirt if the colors were more washed out. “He despises it.”

At that moment, Fume-shroom bursts back into the room. “I’m glad you guys sent me out. We’ve got Zombies outside. I unloaded on them, but you all had better get out there.” Immediately, Arnold the Puff-shroom vanishes in the same way that he and his troops did earlier.

All the other plants hop out, led by Fume-shroom. Aidan and Nadia shrug and go back out the door.

There were definitely Zombies, but somehow Arnold had already set up his network of Puff-shrooms. They swarmed the Zombies. When one vanished, two more took its place.

Most Zombies had trouble wading through the sheer number of mushrooms, but a few had no trouble at all. Some were literal cyclones of activity, catching and juggling each spore and throwing them right back at the plants. Others simply walked through the shrooms, somehow protected by a single knight’s helm. Behind those knights sat several kings, magically providing fresh helms to those who had lost or severely damaged them.

The other plants get to work immediately. Fume-shroom is blasting Zombies, targeting the spinning Jesters, who attempt to grab his bubbles but fail.

Hypno-shroom jumps in front of the strongest Zombies hypnotizing them as he is eaten. After being consumed completely, he immediately comes out of the hut, no worse for wear.

Pea-Nut is essentially the anchor of the team. His heads take turns shooting peas as he acts as a wall for the others. Unfortunately, with the number of attackers, he wouldn’t be lasting too long.

Sun-Shroom and Sun Bean are the support. Sun-shroom spits suns at both Plants and Zombies, as refreshers and attacks respectively. Sun Bean deploys a similar tactic to Hypno-shroom, although he manages to infect Zombies to drop suns. He acts like a death sentence, marking the most dangerous targets with the incentive of extra energy.

“I don’t feel like fighting right now, unfortunately,” Nadia yawns. She takes a seat, cross-legged, on the ground. “I’ll help from here.” She closes her eyes, and grass grows at an alarming rate around her in a small radius. Soon, other non-sentient vegetation is entangling the Zombies, growing around their legs at an alarming rate.

A Magnet-shroom walks out of the brush near the hut. “Hey guys, what’s going-“ He stops as he sees the horde. “Oh. We’re doing this already. All right,” he sighs, “Guess I should work on this.” He begins the slow process of removing as many knight helms as possible.

“Here, take this,” Aidan says, kneeling by the Magnet. He pulls an orb of glowing green energy out of his pocket. Upon eating the Plant Food, all the helms rocket toward the Magnet, then are expelled very quickly.

“I... Wow,” the Magnet says. “We didn’t have that stuff to deal with the Ladders, Miners, and Buckets before.”

“Neither did I,” mutters Aidan. “Yeah, it’s powerful stuff. Call me if you need me, I’ll be supplying your friends. Do what you can!” Magnet-shroom nods in understanding and Aidan runs off.

Rotom follows Aidan around. “Can I get a lift?” he yells. Nadia mutters inaudibly under her breath, but large stalks begin forming in Aidan’s path. “Thanks!” Aidan leaps at one, climbing onto the rising platform of vines. He jumps from tower to tower like a free-runner. Somehow the vines know exactly where he wants to go, growing under him even as he jumps from the previous platform. I guess he and Nadia are just that in tune.

Aidan stops over Pea-Nut, who has been eaten to be just one head. “You’re looking pretty rough,” he says. Well, no s***, Sherlock. “Here, eat this.” Aidan tosses the incomplete Pea-Nut a glowing orb of Plant Food. It consumes the orb and its other head is regrown, now complemented by an iron helmet. With the remaining burst of energy, the two spew out a barrage of peas, eliminating a large portion of the nearby Zombies.

“Thanks, we needed that!” the top head says.

“No, I needed it,” the bottom corrects. “You were dead.”

Aidan laughs and takes off across the vines again. Rotom glances back at Nadia. She’s still sitting in the same place, although her plants have grown into a sort of cage surrounding her, probably as protection.

Aidan’s next stop is Hypno-shroom. The psychedelic fungus is looking around for a good target, seemingly lost.

“No... Not worth it... Not worth it... I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they’re all too weak!” He exclaims. Aidan drops an orb in front of the mushroom.

“Eat that, then pick anyone. Trust me!” He yells, bolting again.

Hypno swallows the orb and begins to glow brightly. “Whoa, man, I’m seriously trippin’ out right now.” (Can plants get high? Is Plant Food a drug? Why am I asking these questions?) He then hops over to be eaten by an Imp in a dragon costume.

Hypno-shroom emerges from the hut, unscathed as usual, and stares wide-eyed (Er... Spiral-eyed?) at the purple Gargantuar swinging its massive stone hammer at the other Zombies. “I... I can do that?” He asks incredulously. “I did that?” Several Puff-shrooms nod their heads simultaneously. “Oh.”

Speaking of Puff-shrooms, sheer numbers aren’t quite working anymore. A lot of them have been turned into sheep by Wizards standing behind the now-ridiculous number of Knight Zombies. Aidan jumps down next to Arnold, slamming the ground to knock nearby Zombies out of the way.

“I’ve got a couple of boosts left, and you guys aren’t doing too well,” he says. “You want one?”

“Turn everyone back into mushrooms, then give it to me,” Arnold responds. “I’m not sure what it’ll do, but we’re all interconnected, so this should be insane.”

Aidan smiles. “Oh, trust me, it will be. Give me ten seconds.” Then he vanishes.

Arnold looks at Rotom. “Ten seconds? He can’t be serious, there are like-“

A howl comes from behind the large wall of knights. The sheep start reverting at a very fast rate. All the Puff-shrooms are returned to normal within moments. Aidan reappears from behind Rotom, grizzled and eyes dull red.

“Time?” He asks, dusting himself off.

“Eleven point one zzzecondz,” Rotom responds. “Almozt. But better than lazt time!”

Aidan sighs, pulling the plant food from his pocket. “There was a straggler. Anyway, get out of the way, Rotom.” He hands the orb to Arnold. “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Arnold says. “ALL RIGHT BOYS, HERE COMES THE FERTILIZER!” Arnold inhales the orb and immediately starts spitting out a barrage of spores.

The effect spreads through the whole network. The boost radiates from Arnold’s spot, with each of the almost one hundred Puff-shrooms bombarding the Zombies with a hundred spores, expelled at an alarming rate. When the dust—or in this case, the spores—clear, all the Zombies have fallen. The plants all turn to stare at Arnold. Nadia opens her eyes and emerges from her little vine shell.

“I honestly did not expect that to work,” the shocked mushroom says.

“Well,” Fume-shroom mutters, “I guess that’s it for this attack.”

Of course, that’s when the dragon roars.

Nadia jolts, looking around frantically. Her chest begins heaving rapidly. “What- What was that?” she asks as the dragon’s shadow flies overhead. Her voice severely lacks its usual confidence.

“Nonononono...” Aidan says, hurrying to her side. “Not now. Not now!” Nadia falls into his arms as the Zombot Dark Dragon lands, breathing fire onto the front of the lawn.

Nadia’s eyes go wide. The dragon roars, its scales suspiciously metallic and its eyes bright yellow, like Zomboss’ other robots. A massive ring hangs from its nose, although it looks ridiculous rather than tough.

What was left of Nadia’s courage crumbles. She collapses, shuddering, as her knees buckle from under her. She starts whimpering, eyes fixated on the ultimately cartoony dragon. Aidan looks up, following her gaze.

“Honestly dude? That’s ridiculous. Even I know that this is the wrong time period,” he remarks.

Zomboss wears a bright red and gold Roman soldier’s armor, complete with a red plume over his tight-fitting helmet. The helmet is tight-fitting mainly because it’s been stretch to encase the doctor’s brain. Why didn’t he just get a bigger helmet?

Zomboss cackles. “Is it truly? Surely you know that Rome rose from the ashes of the Dark Ages? I’m just ahead of the times!”

“That’s... Not right either,” Aidan says. “What history are you looking at for this?” Zomboss stops laughing long enough to glare at Aidan. Then he starts laughing again. “Bah! Who cares?” he screeches. “With your girlfriend out of the picture, I can finally crush you!”

Aidan isn’t amused. His eyes are vaguely tinted with red. Regardless, he calmly pulls another orb out of his pocket. He gives it to Magnet-shroom. “Hold him off for a moment, will you? We need a minute.” Magnet-shroom nods and eats the Plant food. His magnetic pull attracts the dragon’s ring, giving the plants an opening to start attacking.

Aidan turns his attention to Nadia. “Nadia, look at me,” he says firmly, “Pull it together. Please.”

Nadia’s eyes are still watching Zomboss anxiously. It seems dumb to be scared of it, but I guess that’s what hallucinations do.

“D... Dragon?” Nadia whimpers. “It’s... It’s...”

“It’s nothing,” Aidan says, redirecting her face towards his. “It’s nothing, not compared to what you or I have seen before.”

“But... But...” she tries to turn her gaze back to the dragon, who is now breathing fire.

“But nothing!” Aidan says louder and turning her away again. “Focus! Fight it! It’s not real! Where’s your ring?”

“That’s what everyone says about this!” she mutters sliding a blue ring onto her finger, “None of this exists! We’re in a fictional universe!”

Aidan exhales in exasperation. “This isn’t working. You know I hate doing this, but we’ve gotta beat this guy. We don’t have time for this right now. Get on my back.”

“W... What?” Nadia stutters. Her ring starts glowing blue.

“Get on my- Oh my god, just- You’re going to face your fear if it means I need to make a fool of myself!” Aidan yells.

Aidan grabs Nadia’s arms and puts them over his shoulders. He hunches over on all fours, making the two look like a failed leapfrog jump. Nadia’s eyes are still wide, fixed on the dragon fighting the plants. The Plants aren’t doing so well. Let's say that there's a lot of fire going around.

Aidan begins to shapeshift. He increases in size rapidly. His hands transform into giant claws. The clothes on his back meld onto his skin, turning bright red scales. Wings sprout from his shoulder area, and a tail from... You know where. His face elongates, becoming the same red scales that now cover him. The hair on his head curls into two horns and his eyes are now a reptilian amber. Nadia holds on to those horns for dear life.

With a roar, the battered plants are restored, and reinforcements sprout from rapidly-spreading patches of grass. Much to her horror, Nadia found herself mounted on the neck of a red dragon about the same size as the Zombot. Zomboss had come face to face with Alexstrasza, Life-Binder.

“Move,” the draconic Aidan says, his voice oddly feminine. The plants scurry away, because that’s what you do when a dragon tells you to move.

Zomboss only seems to snap back to his senses after everyone is out of the way. With a panicked scream, Zomboss commands his dragon to blast Aidan.

The flames spew forth from the Dark Dragon’s mouth. Aidan folds his (Her? Is the pronoun gendered biologically or personally? Screw it, giving a male name female pronouns doesn’t sit right.) wings to protect Nadia, who is still absolutely terrified. Overall, Aidan remains unfazed.

“Zomboss, you’re pitiful, you know that?” Aidan chuckles. He starts pacing, as much as a massive dragon can pace in such a small area. With each step, the ground shakes, and a new patch of grass sprouts. “You try to create a robot out of a legendary beast, but its power level isn’t even a tenth of the original’s strength.”

Nadia’s blue ring glows brighter and brighter. She seems to be reciting something under her breath.

“Your fire is pathetic. It can’t match that of a natural flame.” Taking a deep breath, Aidan ignites the Zombot’s left wing. It roars with false, metallic pain. “And neither can its durability. Nice try with the reactions, though. You got the most useless aspect of a living creature correct.”

Zomboss is sweating heavily. The Dragon continues to stare blankly, but the area near its head begins to warp. “What are you talking about? Why are you saying this? My craftsmanship is top-of-the-line! You’re just cheating!”

"Says the one who only fights when he has a giant robot," Aidan retorts. "You don't see the plants with a mech, do you? Consider this to be evening the odds. As for why, well..." Nadia defiantly stands up on Aidan's back, glowing bright blue. "Sometimes you need to put someone down to build another up."

Zomboss' eyes widen as Nadia jumps toward him. She beheads the Zombot with one cut of a sapphire blade of light. Zomboss screams and punches one of his buttons, warping away before the head even hits the ground. The stump of the dragon's neck remains as the rest of its body slumps to the ground.

Aidan returns to normal. Nadia glares at him.

"Asinus es, sed laboravit," she says, scowling. (Translation: "You're an ass, but it worked.")

“Language,” Aidan says. He walks to the beheaded dragon’s corpse. “I guess it was partially real. In which case, Zomboss just can’t augment correctly.”

“Quid dicis?” Nadia blinks. “Oh, that’s what you meant by language.”

The Plants come out of the forest underbrush, staring.

“You can do that?” Arnold asks incredulously.

Fume-shroom scoffs. “Do you believe me now?”

“We didn’t quite believe you at first,” Pea-Nut admits. “But now there isn’t a doubt in our mind.”

“I told you guys!” Fume-shroom shouts. “But nooooooo, I was just making it up! See, I was-“

“Anyway, we’ve gotta go,” Aidan interrupts. His right hand starts opening a portal home. “Say hello to the scarlet witch of the wilds for me.”

“Who?” Hypno-shroom asks. I’m not sure if he’s dazed or if it’s just his normal swirliness.

“You’d know,” Aidan says cryptically. Then he leaves. Nadia and Rotom are just as confused as the Plants.

“Uh... Well, bye I guess.” Nadia mutters hurriedly. She goes through the portal, followed shortly by Rotom, who waves as he leaves.

Aidan is already working on something when they return.

“I have two questions,” Nadia says expectantly.

“First, that dragon was Alexstrasza, Azeroth’s Aspect of Life,” he says without looking. “Second, the sorceress Rose comes from that time period.”

Recognition glints in Nadia's eyes. “Rose? You mean the one that we gave the Wand of Watoomb to?”

“That time when I had to shut you up? Yeah,” Aidan responds, carefully cutting a purple gem. Nadia glares again. “Probably the exact same one too. She’s an oracle, in a sense. Foresaw that the Zombies took over eventually and time-traveled to fix it.”

“I won’t ask,” Nadia says. Then she smirks. “Also, isn’t that Alexstrasza character female?”

Rotom snickers as soon as she says it. “Zzzo Aidan waz a girl for a few minutezzz?”

Aidan smiles mischievously. His form warps for a moment. Within the span of a blink, his appearance and clothes are completely altered. His short black hair becomes long and reddish-brown. His shirt and jeans are replaced with an armored breastplate and pants that leave his midriff area exposed. The cloak on his back is replaced with a red and gold cape and matching shoulder plates. He now wears a gold and red crown with horns that are suspiciously similar to that of his earlier dragon form. His new build was about a foot or so taller and definitely feminine. All this changes while he continues to polish the purple gem.

Yep, that’s definitely Alexstrasza’s human form. “Problem?” he (She? Goddammit, dude. ) asks, looking at Nadia and Rotom with fiery topaz eyes.

It’s not every day that you have your male teenaged friend turn into an adult dragon woman, so naturally, Nadia needs a moment to recover. “Wow, you actually are okay with doing that stuff,” she says finally. “How does it feel to have a female biology?”

He shrugs. “First, yes, I’m okay with this. As long as it’s not for an extended time. I do it all the time in-game. Honestly, it's not too different in real life if you keep the right mindset.” The voice is the same as the dragon’s earlier. “Second... How do I put this? It's unfamiliar, but not inherently unusual. My center of gravity feels like it’s shifted physiologically, but maybe that’s just the heels. Different parts are also more sensitive, but I won’t go into detail.”

“Now you know how I feel on a daily basis,” Nadia mutters as Aidan shifts back. “Anyway, I’ll go home now. See you at school.”

“You should try it sometime,” Aidan calls as she starts walking away.

Nadia stops abruptly and turns back. “I beg your pardon?”

“You should try it sometime,” Aidan says again. “Shifting into the opposite gender? It’ll be an enlightening experience. Maybe you’ll learn exactly why we males are so protective of our... Er... Family jewels.” He shrugs offhandedly. “But maybe that’s just me. You do you. For me, there’s no better way to learn sympathy than this.”

Nadia looks thoughtful for a moment. “I’ll consider it,” she decides, finally. “Until then... See you.”

Aidan shoos Rotom away and the screen goes black.