User blog:Milesprower2/Everything Wrong With Plants vs. Zombies 1 In X Minutes Or Less Part 1

The following is parody of ZombieNinja's parodies of CinemaSins. I suggest you check out his Big Wave Beach P1, Frostbite Caves P1, and Frostbite Caves P2 blogs if you don't know who he is, so you can understand their sense of humor.

Also, this is my second favourite game ever, but I want to point out the many flaws anyway.
 * 1) Why don't zombies walk on grassless rows, like in Unsodded?
 * 2) Using complicated calculations, Peashooter's peas could kill or severely injure a human in one shot, and yet it takes ten shots to kill one of the weakest kinds of rotting corpses in the game.
 * 3) How does one collect sunlight?
 * 4) How do flowers produce sunlight?
 * 5) Flag Zombies prove that the regular zombie type could move faster than they actually do, so why don't they?
 * 6) Most projectiles hit the torso of zombies, and yet roadcones and other helmets still protect said zombies.
 * 7) Cherry Bomb's self-destruction makes no evolutionary sense, unless they spread seeds by exploding, and we don't see any seeds. I'm going to add a sin every time there's a plant that self-destructs.
 * 8) Zombies don't walk around Wall-nuts, despite an evil genius leading them who could surely give them basic strategy advice.
 * 9) Wall-nuts aren't round, so how do they roll so well?
 * 10) Explode-o-nuts explode.
 * 11) Explode-o-nuts aren't usable in regular levels.
 * 12) Explode-o-nuts are recoloured Wall-nuts.
 * 13) Why do Wall-nuts bounce in Wall-nut bowling?
 * 14) How come plants obtained via conveyor-belt cost no sun?
 * 15) How come plants obtained via conveyor-belt can only be used once? Does the entire seed packet contain only one seed?
 * 16) Potato Mines explode.
 * 17) The Online Version gives Squash instead of Potato Mine, just because that version includes Vasebreaker. By that logic, why not show people Gargantuars and Jack-in-the-Box Zombies for Vasebreaker purposes?
 * 18) George Fan basically wanted to troll people by making them try and fail to stop Pole Vaulters with Wall-nuts. What the f**k George?
 * 19) How can a plant be freezing cold?
 * 20) How come making zombies cold makes them slower? I can understand freezing stopping them from moving, but being cold doesn't slow you down.
 * 21) Chomper exists.
 * 22) Chomper takes the exact same length of time to chew no matter what it eats. Surely something wearing metal would take longer to chew than something wearing no protective equipment whatsoever?
 * 23) Chomper takes 42 seconds to chew. Chomper is the meaning of life.
 * 24) Why doesn't Peashooter shoot as fast as a Repeater? Why is only Repeater able to shoot that fast?
 * 25) Also, Repeater looks too similar to Peashooter.
 * 26) Zombies are so dumb they give you a heads-up in the form of a note when they want to launch an all-out attack.
 * 27) Level 1-10 is too easy for an all-out attack.
 * 28) Level 1-10 is even easier online because Squashes are more useful than Potato Mines.
 * 29) At night-time, no sun falls. If they apply logic here, why do they fail to apply logic so many other times?
 * 30) Newspaper Zombie is pointlessly weak.
 * 31) Level 2-1 can be beaten with JUST Puff-shrooms.
 * 32) Also, mushrooms aren't plants.
 * 33) How does a mushroom produce sun?
 * 34) Why do mushrooms cost sun? They grow better at night than during the day.
 * 35) Fume-shroom renders the already weak Newspaper Zombie harmless.
 * 36) Screen Door Zombie is just an easier to kill Buckethead, unless you use Snow Peas.
 * 37) What kind of plant is Grave Buster based on?
 * 38) In the online version, Crazy Dave breaks the fourth wall by telling you to buy the full version.
 * 39) What are Squirbos?
 * 40) Also, this is Plants vs. Zombies, not Mallets vs. Zombies.
 * 41) Hypno-shroom is probably some kind of hallucinogenic or "Magic Mushroom".
 * 42) The Online Version has Giga-Football Zombie, but no regular Football Zombie.
 * 43) Giga-Football Zombie has less than double the regular Footballer's health.
 * 44) Giga-Footballers replace Gargs in the online version.
 * 45) Giga-Footballers appear without warning in the online version, as you don't face them in regular levels.
 * 46) In online's Survival: Endless, it's practically impossible to legitimately reach 20 flags.
 * 47) Scaredy-shroom is an idiot. Doesn't he realize that when zombies are near, he should shoot them even MORE to keep himself alive?
 * 48) Also, how does he know when a zombie such as a Digger is behind him? Does he have eyes in the back of his cap?
 * 49) Michael Jackson Zombie.
 * 50) Disco Stu Zombie. Way to plagiarize Simpsons.
 * 51) Ice-shroom explodes.
 * 52) Doom-shroom explodes.
 * 53) Doom-shroom can actually kill other plants.
 * 54) Zombies are smart enough to try and trick you into letting them come over for a snack, and yet still are dumb enough to give you a heads up when launching an all-out attack.
 * 55) 2-10 is also too easy for an all-out attack.
 * 56) Mushrooms fall asleep during the day, and yet Puff-shrooms are still useful for cannon fodder.
 * 57) Land plants can be planted on a Lily Pad. LOGIC???
 * 58) Also, corpses float in water, why do zombies need Ducky Tubes?
 * 59) When a zombie in water dies (again), it sinks, making even less sense.
 * 60) Why are zombies that pop up out of the pool covered in seaweed? This isn't the f**king sea.
 * 61) This stage has six rows instead of five like the rest.
 * 62) Squash disappears after squashing a zombie. So it's a kamikaze, like exploding plants.
 * 63) Threepeater's heads are tiny. How come they still shoot out regular-sized peas?
 * 64) Why does Snorkel Zombie even need to breath? He's DEAD.
 * 65) For that matter, why can't all zombies just swim underneath plants to get to the end of the pool unscathed, since they don't need to breath?
 * 66) Tangle Kelp can only pull one zombie underwater because reasons.
 * So, how exactly does the zombie-making process cause them to come out tiny?
 * 1) Also, you can get Explodonator in 3-5 despite the zombies not being full-sized, like the achievement says in its description.
 * 2) In the DS version, you have Heat Wave because little zombies on a little screen just wouldn't work apparently.
 * 3) In Heat Wave, plants are movable.
 * 4) In Heat Wave, you have to shout to buff up plants.
 * 5) Jalapeno explodes.
 * 6) Zombies can apparently know how to drive.
 * 7) An ice machine has only slightly more durability/health than a bucket?
 * 8) Zombie Bobsled Teams don't appear in the seed selection, meaning it's a total surprise if they show up.
 * 9) Even Spikeweed can't damage helmet zombies directly.
 * 10) Popping tyres equals the destruction of whatever popped those tyres.
 * 11) Zombonis explode after their tyres are popped.
 * 12) Torchwood sets peas on fire, but no other projectiles.
 * 13) Somehow, something being set on fire causes splash damage.
 * 14) Zombies aren't hurt when they attack Torchwood.
 * 15) Torchwood burns forever despite it being just a stump set on fire.
 * 16) Dolphin Rider Zombie is too fast. What happened to "zombies were chosen because they're slow and give the player more time to react"?
 * 17) Also, this sets the standard for animal-users to be among the most annoying zombies in the series.
 * 18) Tall-nut cries and yet Wall-nut doesn't.
 * 19) The zombies heard the player was having a pool party? I don't think someone would organize a pool party during a zombie apocalypse. Those zombies are rubbish liars.
 * 20) Also, 3-10 is too easy for an all-out attack.
 * 21) Fog. Because making it near-impossible to see zombies and even your own plants is sure to make the game fun, right?
 * 22) Jack-in-the-Box Zombie exists.
 * 23) Also, Jack-in-the-Box Zombies have a weaponized Jack-in-the-Box. Where did they get it, and why is it a Jack-in-the-Box? Why not something else, like, a regular bomb?
 * 24) There is no such thing as an aquatic mushroom.
 * 25) Plantern, because when you introduce an annoying mechanic, you want it to be counterable by spending only 50 sun.
 * 26) Cactus is just a slightly more expensive Peashooter that can shoot Balloonists. The worst possible way of introducing anti-air plants.
 * 27) Also, why don't zombies get hurt when attacking Cactus?
 * 28) A stretched Cactus can block jumping zombies. While logical, there are very few situations where this will come in handy, why did they bother coding it into the game?
 * 29) Blover disappears after planting, for no reason whatsoever.
 * 30) 4-4. Dolphin Rider Zombies in a fog level, YAY!
 * 31) A simple Taco ends up causing a time travel story.
 * 32) 4-5 takes place in the Night Stage, not Fog Stage.
 * 33) Vasebreaker isn't a mini-game, it's a puzzle mode.
 * 34) Jack-in-the-Box Zombies destroy vases, and yet can't hurt their fellow zombies?
 * 35) Split Pea is the worst possible way to introduce a Digger Zombie counter.
 * 36) Potato Mines can be used to counter Diggers very effectively, making Split Peas useless even in the first level you get them.
 * 37) Starfruit is sooo needed.
 * 38) Pogo Zombies should be called Pogo Stick Zombies.
 * 39) Pumpkin is introduced in the same level as Pogo Zombies, which means it's practically useless in this level.
 * 40) Magnet-shroom counters three of the zombies introduced in this stage. So, introduce painful zombies and then make them all so easily beaten with one plant, making them almost painless?
 * 41) If the player's mother is dead, it's possible the zombies were telling the truth about the mother writing 4-10's note.
 * 42) 4-10, unlike all other all-out attack levels, gets an extra flag when replaying.
 * 43) 4-10 is too hard.
 * 44) 4-10 is totally different to other fog levels.
 * 45) WHY DON'T YOU GET PLANTERN IN 4-10???
 * 46) Zombie Yetis appear in dark places and drop multiple diamonds for some reason.
 * 47) Catapults can't attack Balloon Zombies.
 * 48) Bungee Zombies are uncounterable for several levels.
 * 49) Flower Pots aren't a plant.
 * 50) Butter stops zombies from moving for some reason.
 * 51) Also, Kernel-pult can lob butter despite butter having nothing to do with plants. Sure, people put butter on corn, but that doesn't explain how a Kernel-pult can lob butter, let a lone entire f**king sticks of it.
 * 52) Ladder Zombie is the first Wizard Zombie.
 * 53) Coffee Bean disappears after planting. It sacrifices itself and doesn't produce any seeds.
 * 54) As if Chompers weren't bad enough already, 5-5 happened.
 * 55) In 5-5, Bungees only steal plants during Huge Waves.
 * 56) How can a zombie create a catapult, even a rudimentary makeshift catapult?
 * 57) Also, basketballs are apparently harmful.
 * 58) Garlic is introduced in the same level as a zombie it doesn't affect.
 * 59) Then, we finally get Umbrella Leaf, after several levels of Bungees and one with Catapults.
 * 60) The level where we first face Gargs, is the level where we first get Marigolds.
 * 61) Also, how does a plant produce coins?
 * 62) Also, Marigold is useless for actual combat.
 * 63) The mighty Gargantuar can be insta-killed by roof cleaners, or lawnmowers in other stages.
 * 64) Imps have the same health as regular zombies, despite their size.
 * 65) When you think about it, Melon-pult is just a catapult Repeater with splash damage.
 * 66) I'm pretty sure a heavy melon landing on someone's head could probably break their neck, or at least knock them out and give them a concussion. These zombies are f**king strong.
 * 67) You only get one Gargantuar in level 5-9, but two in level 5-8.
 * 68) A note with good handwriting? Maybe other humans are coming to rescue me! Cr*p, it's an evil genius.
 * 69) 5-10 is night-time just because Ice-shrooms appear in the fight.
 * 70) With such a massive robot, Zomboss could probably smash his way through the house to get to the homeowner.
 * 71) That has got to be the strongest roof on any house ever.
 * 72) Camper van attack.
 * 73) Zomboss can be beaten with only instants in one Flower Pot.
 * So, after defeating Zomboss, the zombies just want to make a music video? Seems legit.
 * 1) The homeowner dies in the music video.
 * 2) Digger Zombie is more observant than most people, I doubt many people spotted the tricycle.
 * 3) Dolphin Zombies can talk apparently.
 * 4) If the fog in the fog levels was caused by a fog machine, then why didn't the zombies deploy it in other stages?

Stay tuned for part 2, featuring everything wrong with mini-games, puzzles, survival modes, the shop, zen garden, achievements and almanac!